This has dominated my thoughts the past few months. I’ve been wrestling with the big questions…‘What does it mean to be a masculine?’ What does it mean to be a man in our modern world?’ Naturally, these questions arose from wanting to date and understand women better, but I’ve really started to live in my masculinity instead.
I call myself a feminist; it’s a given to me that women should be treated equally under the law in society. Society, the unsexy logistics of gender neutral society. But in dating the very thing that attracts me to a women is her femininity, not her neutrality. And I’m willing to wager a woman wouldn’t be attracted by me acting neutral either.
Growing up with two sisters and my mother most of the time, thanks to my dad travelling for work, I feel I grew up in my feminine not masculine. Not that I was raised poorly or anything, in reflection this just seems to have played a part in this masculine murkiness of dating I’ve had. Though my father is the pure embodiment of masculine I was not offered lessons on how to act from my own masculine core. So I often felt an imbalance of not acting on my masculine.
Once I got to high school, most of my peers were dating. Time after time I struck out. Never getting anywhere. I resigned myself as being terrible with women, that dating was something you’re born with and I just don’t have it. I gave up and just hoped to fall into a relationship one day…which of course never happen. Years went by with nothing but it did however happen for me when I decided to take masculine action.
I’ve taken action for the first time in my life to put myself out there and go after the things I want. It’s masculine to ask the girl out. That’s why they want us to ‘make the first move’.
It’s like saying ‘I’m going this way, I want you to come with me.’ Instead of ‘oh I’ve been nice and maybe you’d think about letting me go with you.’ It’s simple confidence versus cowardice. Having the resolve and integrity to choose a path, even though I might fail – will likely fail anyway – and stick with it and fail with some personal flair, get back up and do it all over again.
Masculinity is having the fortitude to participate, despite not being good, and giving it your best shot. To own the shit out of who I am and embody it everywhere I go. The ability to take the reins of a situation and guide myself and others through to safety. To have a clear path, and not let anyone talk you out of it, because you know what’s right and what’s wrong.
This has been difficult to conceptualise, let alone put into words. The truth is that I am likely not the only modern man who is unsure of how to act from his masculine or to even question its relevance anymore. I’m likely wrong or off about something…or a few things. I showed up though, I’m having the conversation. I feel it is bold to ask these questions and demand answers for them. What are your answers?
The answers to simplify masculinity into something practical for us guys. It would benefit us immeasurably, as well as the women we pursue.
*Disclaimer. This article originally appeared in the Tertangala and has been republished with full permission.
Joshua Calkins 